Beauty and the Piano

 For the first time in 2-1/2 years, I was able to take Lizzie to the piano room!

So much has changed in Lizzie's world since the beginning of the pandemic and I wasn't sure how she would react. We'd taken Lizzie on several walks during safe times, so she'd left her unit with us and had been on the elevator.

I was thrilled to see the piano room was empty when we arrived. I was able to wheel Lizzie right up to the piano so she could sit beside me.

She hadn't said a word since we'd left the unit. This isn't unusual as Lizzie has become a lot less verbal over the past couple of years.

When I asked her if she would like to hear me play a song, she nodded and smiled. A huge smile. She remembered!

Image by Ri Butov from Pixabay 

I always play the same song to begin (Send In The Clowns). It's the one I know the best and it's always been one of Lizzie's favourites. She tapped her hands in time to the song and was still smiling when I finished.

I played for maybe 20 minutes and Lizzie grinned the entire time. When I played Beauty and the Beast, she even got misty-eyed.

Her eyes were drooping (nap time!) when we left, but she kept humming the tune for Beauty and the Beast as we headed back to her unit. And she remembered the title to tell the staff members when we returned.

It's so nice to have a piece of normal back!

How about you? Any pieces of normal coming back in your world?

Visiting Checklist

 We all know dementia is hard. Some days, it feels impossible.

I'm not sure how those of you who care for your Loved Ones in your homes do it all day, all week, all month, all year. The disease creates hideous moments for everyone involved.

Lizzie is in a wonderful nursing home and we still have those moments.

To help avoid those, I've got a mental checklist of the things I want to accomplish with Lizzie during our visits.

Lizzie now requires assistance while eating. Some days are better than others, but she no longer is able to use utensils for their intended purpose. She doesn't always see food as food. Some days, the soup is a sink and she wants to wash the other foods in there. Other days, it's all "f***ing awful" and she wants to toss it on the floor.

Our visits tend to revolve around meal times now, so the checklist involves those. During the visit, I hope to:

• have Lizzie drink as much as possible. She requires thickener in her liquids now and this makes it easier for her to swallow. To get her to drink her tea, I either sing "Tea for Two & Two for Tea..." or say, "Tea makes everything better." This was a saying Lizzie's mom used throughout WWII while Lizzie was growing up. The saying brings fond memories and feeling of safety
• help Lizzie be as independent as possible during the meal. Hand her the spoon or fork with food already on it. Put a portion of the sandwich in her hand. Allow her to eat in whichever order she wishes. If she wants the pudding first, that works. She doesn't mind going back to soup afterward
• have Lizzie sing along with me. This helps to activate her memories and her ability to converse is always better after we sing a few songs
• don't allow Lizzie to sleep with her head drooping froward. This has caused some issues with swallowing and we've got her in a new style of wheelchair where we can tilt her back when she dozes
• have Lizzie smile at a memory. She loves seeing pictures of her grandchildren and great-grandchild. She may not remember them, and she mostly doesn't get the connections as to who is who, but she loves to see pictures of happy kids
• have Lizzie giggle and laugh. Lizzie tends to giggle at silly word plays, tongue twisters or when I trip over words. She laughs at when we talk about memories or silly things that happen in a day. Laughter truly is medicine.
• Have Lizzie sing and clap along with a song. If she's tired, the clapping doesn't always happen. I think activating as many different parts of the brain as possible can only help everyone. Lizzie can clap on beat really well. Sometimes, she speeds up the clapping to make us sing faster and this can cause lots of laughter. Lizzie also taps her toes to the beat and that's great too.

So that's the checklist - drink, be as independent as possible, remember, laugh, and sing.

How about you? What are some important items to put on a mental checklist for your Loved One?

Recognizing Through Music

The pandemic continues to be a struggle around the world. In our area, the numbers are higher than they've ever been.

We're so lucky that Lizzie's nursing home has always been diligent about taking precautions. Even that hasn't stopped COVID cases from creeping into the home. Visiting has been limited to essential caregivers and they wear full PPE while in the home.

Lizzie continues to recognize us most of the time, despite the PPE. I've learned to greet her with Name (hers & mine), Connection, Purpose.

Hi Mom. It's your daughter Jemi. I'm here for a visit.

This seems to alleviate some of the stress she feels at the change in her routine or the surprise at my appearance.

If she doesn't react to my presence (or reacts negatively), I'll repeat it.

If that doesn't help her realize who I am, I try music - it's a safe spot for mom.

I'm here to have a sing with you!

(Photo by Ben White on Unsplash)

The song that she currently loves the most is Good Morning (from Singing In The Rain).

It almost always makes her smile. And when I get to the part, "...good morning, good morning to you!"

Mom joins in with "And you!"

Then we repeat the phrase, alternating back and forth with silly inflections.  

This always has her smiling!

She may not know I'm Jemi.

She may not know I'm her daughter.

But she knows she likes to sing with me!

How about you? Any tricks to jogging memories or connections with your Loved One (especially when we're wearing all the PPE!)?

Power of Music 4 - Learning and Growing

 If you know me or Lizzie at all, you know we love music. All kinds of music.

Dementia is a hideous disease that affects the brain in so many ways. And many of those ways involve some kind of loss.

• precious memories
• friendships
• emotional control
• vocabulary
• physical control of her body

Lizzie has been in the nursing home for over 5 years now. She's experienced a lot of loss.

What surprised me in recent visits was that she's also shown evidence of learning and growth. Yay!!

As you know, Lizzie and I sing a lot during our visits. It's something she enjoys and it's a great way to help her retain her words and keep that brain active.

The other day, Lizzie started singing a song about Nicholas being ridiculous and not wanting to get up in the morning. She sang the same 3 or 4 lines multiple times. It was a song I'd never heard. I wasn't sure it was real, but when I looked it up, there it was!

This was during the pandemic. There had been so guests in singing or playing instruments. No one I spoke with had ever heard the song.

But, Lizzie was singing it. Not completely accurately, but the song is from the 30s!

When we were little, Lizzie introduced us to The Sound Of Music. We had the record of the movie and listened to it often. When I visit Lizzie we often sing several songs from the musical, including Raindrops On Roses.

When I first started singing this song with her, Lizzie would wave her hand like a conductor. She knew the beat and the rhythm, but the words escaped her. Now, she's able to sing along with the first verse and the chorus.

Repetition has helped her regain the joy of that song.

How about you? Has any song brought you good memories with your Loved One?

Don't Let The Sun Go Down

I was driving home from the Nursing Home one night after visiting with Lizzie.

It had been an odd visit. Lizzie had exhibited extreme paranoia about another resident. He was someone she'd known for months but she was suddenly afraid of him. It didn't help when the poor man walked by us multiple times as we chatted.

Then Lizzie told me a story about how I watched myself begging for a library card. Both the Begging Me and the Watching Me wore the same bright yellow rubber boots. She was surprised I didn't remember watching the two of me.

Lizzie then told me about letting That Man into the house because his mother was an Artiste (said with a French accent) and they wanted to see her flower gardens. Not everyone had an Artiste wanting to see their gardens, so she'd let them into the basement to see the tulips. Wasn't I proud?

Of course I was.

Another evening of Sundowning in action.

(Photo by Anand Rathod on Unsplash)

On the way home, The Elton John song Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me came on the radio.

I've always liked the song, but that night I started to wonder.

Did Elton John and/or Bernie Taupin have some experience with dementia in their lives? Was the song alluding to Sundowning?

Probably not, but when you hear it, you might find some lines that make you wonder.

 What do you think?

In-Person Visits at Lizzie's Nursing Home

 This pandemic has changed so much for so many.

One of the major changes is for those people living in Nursing Homes (NH), including Lizzie.

If you've read any of the previous posts (or Dancing With Dementia), you know we live in Canada and that Lizzie is in a wonderful NH with caring staff who work really hard to ensure our Loved Ones are safe and well cared for.

For several months earlier in the pandemic, we were able to do Face Time visits with Lizzie. These were great.

For the past month or more, we've been able to do in-person visits.

Even better.

Seeing Lizzie in person has been awesome. With over 4 months between our last in-person visit and these ones, we were bound to notice some differences.

We find Lizzie is less aware of the 'real world' and more absorbed in her inner world. Not unexpected. Before the pandemic, we'd been noticing it was more and more challenging for Lizzie to remain with us in the regular world and in regular time. We found our daily visits helped her keep connected to us as we are now.

Since the daily visits had to halt, Lizzie has spent less time connected with us and our current realities. I imagine she has spent more of that time in her inner world. In that inner world, it appears Lizzie is younger and extremely capable.

And that's okay. We want her self-esteem and confidence to remain high.

During our visits we see her struggle to know us. Once she hears our names, her face lights up and she says she didn't recognize us. Possibly because she thinks more often of our younger selves.

She doesn't always know who we mean when we speak about her grand-children or great grand-child. But she loves seeing pictures of them anyway.

Music continues to be a source of joy for Lizzie. When we find her mind drifting to sad memories or thoughts, we can generally use a song to cheer her up.

During our last visit as we were leaving, Lizzie became upset and angry. "You're leaving because you don't love me."

Not true. But impossible to convince her with words.

What did work?

Skinnamarink by Sharon, Lois and Bram.

If you don't know it, check out the link. My kids loved the show when they were little and Lizzie remembers us all singing together. The book about the song is a family favourite.

The repeated echo of us singing, "I Love You," helped us leave her with a smile on her face.

How about you? How are your Loved Ones coping?

Power of Music 2 - Using My Teen Years

When Lizzie becomes stressed, music is a definite soothing influence.
I often use music as a way to redirect her from whatever is bothering her or whatever she has focused on.

Today, let's focus on music from my (or your) teen years. Music is often extremely important to teens and the songs are ingrained in our memory. Or maybe that's just me. 😊 Because we listened to and played (on the piano) a LOT of music during our teen years, Lizzie also knew our favourite songs really well. She also tends to remember who we had celebrity crushes on and we can use that as well.

Sometimes I use the, "Oh I heard this song on the radio on the way up to see you!" trick. I'll choose a song from our teenage years, something that she'll remember. I start to sing the song or the chorus.

From there, I can generally turn the conversation to something less stressful for Lizzie.

Photo by Lee Campbellon Unsplash

I love this song. The singer's hair reminds me I wore that same kind of style in high school. Do you remember those horrible curls I had? Why did I think that was a good idea?

This song always makes me think about dancing. Did you enjoy going to dances when you were younger? ...or... I remember how you helped me do my hair before high school dances. ...or... I remember when we used to dance in the rec room in the basement. ... or... What kind of dancing is your favourite? ...or... Did you and Dad enjoy the dances? ...or... Do you like watching movies with dancing?

I love Billy Joel's songs. He's such a great musician. I can't imagine being that talented. How old do you think he was when he learned to play piano? Can you imagine how scary it would be to play in front of a huge audience? Billy Joel whistles during some of his songs. Can you whistle? Billy Joel plays harmonica in this song. Was it your brother who was a good harmonica player?

This song is so much fun. I like the silly chorus. Can you think of any other silly songs? I like the way the chorus rhymes. What other words could rhyme with it?

I had so many Barry Manilow albums! I think my favourite was the one with the piano player statue on the front. What album covers do you like? Some of the albums were real photos, others were illustrated. Which do you like better? I wonder how many songs I can remember. Can you count for me as I list/sing them?

This song was popular when I started dating hubby. Hubby and I always danced to this song at high school dances. (These always lead her to talk about hubby who is one of her favourite people.)

This was the theme song from that TV show I used to watch. My favourite character was...  I hated that show, but I liked the song. Did you? I liked the show but hated the song. Did you? What kind of song makes a good TV show song? Fast or slow? Serious or silly?

This song always reminds me of...

When I'm walking up from the parking lot at Lizzie's nursing home, I always pick a song or two in my head. This helps me be prepared for those moments where she might be stressed or scared or angry. Being prepared and having something chosen in advance always means I'll be more successful in helping her regain her equilibrium. Using music as a distraction has a good chance of helping Lizzie feel happy and content.

How about you? Have you ever used songs from your teen years to help soothe your Loved One? What other questions can you think to ask?

Video Chats With Lizzie

COVID-19 has changed so many things, including how we're interacting with Lizzie.

Before COVID, one of us visited with Lizzie every day. We'd bring tea and chat. We've found that frequent visits help to keep Lizzie attuned to the here and now.

Enter COVID and that obviously had to change.

While we miss those daily visits with Lizzie, we're glad the nursing home (NH) is keeping the residents isolated and safe.

After the first week, the activities staff in the NH started arranging video chats through FaceTime and Skype for all of the residents. With over 400 residents, this was a big task.

Lizzie hasn't been able to use a phone independently for a few years now. A staff member dials the call and holds the screen so Lizzie can see us. Sometimes she thinks we're on TV. 😀

Photo by Georg Arthur Pfluegeron Unsplash

Lizzie being Lizzie, the calls are usually entertaining. She sometimes thinks whichever staff member is helping her with the call is another daughter. The first time, the poor young staff member was embarrassed and worried we'd be upset. We think it's great. Lizzie believing she is surrounded by family is an awesome thing! Lizzie even braided one staff member's hair throughout one of the calls.

Because the screen is small and there is activity happening around her, Lizzie can become distracted during the calls. Sometimes she wants to introduce us to everyone walking by. Other days she gets tired quickly of concentrating on the call and zones out. It's definitely more challenging than an in-person visit but we're grateful for every call.

We've found a few things that help. Lizzie loves music so we use that, either singing a song or playing one on the piano. We've even found one staff member who is willing to sing along with us!

Complimenting Lizzie works too. "That top sure looks great on you. Your eyes really pop when you're wearing that colour." "I remember you always told us you enjoyed school. What was your favourite subject/teacher/class/friend/activity?"

Pretending to suddenly remember something is a good ploy too. "Oh! Did I ever tell you about that time...?" "You'll never guess what your grandson did!"

We avoid bringing up COVID as Lizzie appears to think nothing is unusual and that we are actually there rather than on the screen.

Overall we're so lucky.

How about you? Anyone else doing video chats with Loved Ones in NHs? Any tips on distractions? Topics to use or topics to avoid?

Power of Music 1 - Classical Songs

Music is a powerful force.

Lizzie has always loved music. She grew up listening to music on the family radio. While Lizzie's mom was into Jazz and Swing, Lizzie and her brother fell in love with classical music.

At an early age, she could identify Bach from Beethoven from Brahms within only a few seconds of listening to a piece.

When we were old enough, Lizzie and my dad bought a piano on a rent-to-own program and scrounged up the money for my sister and I to take piano lessons.

Nothing made Lizzie happier than listening to us practice the piano, especially the classical pieces that were never our favourites.

Photo by Ryan Holloway on Unsplash

Now, we can often use her love of classical music to help redirect her during stressful times.

Who is your favourite classical composer/song?

Who was your favourite classical composer/song when you were a kid?

What was the first song you remember hearing on the radio with your brother?

Did you and your brother both like the same composers/songs?

When you and your brother made your bands, what songs did you play?

When you and your brother made your bands, what did you use for instruments?

Did you have other friends who liked music like you and your brother?

What did your mom and dad think about the music you listened to?

Did you ever make up words to go along with the music?

Did you sing as a family? What songs?


How about you? Do you ever use music to help redirect your Loved One? Does your Loved One enjoy classical music as well?