Visiting Checklist

 We all know dementia is hard. Some days, it feels impossible.

I'm not sure how those of you who care for your Loved Ones in your homes do it all day, all week, all month, all year. The disease creates hideous moments for everyone involved.

Lizzie is in a wonderful nursing home and we still have those moments.

To help avoid those, I've got a mental checklist of the things I want to accomplish with Lizzie during our visits.

Lizzie now requires assistance while eating. Some days are better than others, but she no longer is able to use utensils for their intended purpose. She doesn't always see food as food. Some days, the soup is a sink and she wants to wash the other foods in there. Other days, it's all "f***ing awful" and she wants to toss it on the floor.

Our visits tend to revolve around meal times now, so the checklist involves those. During the visit, I hope to:

• have Lizzie drink as much as possible. She requires thickener in her liquids now and this makes it easier for her to swallow. To get her to drink her tea, I either sing "Tea for Two & Two for Tea..." or say, "Tea makes everything better." This was a saying Lizzie's mom used throughout WWII while Lizzie was growing up. The saying brings fond memories and feeling of safety
• help Lizzie be as independent as possible during the meal. Hand her the spoon or fork with food already on it. Put a portion of the sandwich in her hand. Allow her to eat in whichever order she wishes. If she wants the pudding first, that works. She doesn't mind going back to soup afterward
• have Lizzie sing along with me. This helps to activate her memories and her ability to converse is always better after we sing a few songs
• don't allow Lizzie to sleep with her head drooping froward. This has caused some issues with swallowing and we've got her in a new style of wheelchair where we can tilt her back when she dozes
• have Lizzie smile at a memory. She loves seeing pictures of her grandchildren and great-grandchild. She may not remember them, and she mostly doesn't get the connections as to who is who, but she loves to see pictures of happy kids
• have Lizzie giggle and laugh. Lizzie tends to giggle at silly word plays, tongue twisters or when I trip over words. She laughs at when we talk about memories or silly things that happen in a day. Laughter truly is medicine.
• Have Lizzie sing and clap along with a song. If she's tired, the clapping doesn't always happen. I think activating as many different parts of the brain as possible can only help everyone. Lizzie can clap on beat really well. Sometimes, she speeds up the clapping to make us sing faster and this can cause lots of laughter. Lizzie also taps her toes to the beat and that's great too.

So that's the checklist - drink, be as independent as possible, remember, laugh, and sing.

How about you? What are some important items to put on a mental checklist for your Loved One?

Power of Music 4 - Learning and Growing

 If you know me or Lizzie at all, you know we love music. All kinds of music.

Dementia is a hideous disease that affects the brain in so many ways. And many of those ways involve some kind of loss.

• precious memories
• friendships
• emotional control
• vocabulary
• physical control of her body

Lizzie has been in the nursing home for over 5 years now. She's experienced a lot of loss.

What surprised me in recent visits was that she's also shown evidence of learning and growth. Yay!!

As you know, Lizzie and I sing a lot during our visits. It's something she enjoys and it's a great way to help her retain her words and keep that brain active.

The other day, Lizzie started singing a song about Nicholas being ridiculous and not wanting to get up in the morning. She sang the same 3 or 4 lines multiple times. It was a song I'd never heard. I wasn't sure it was real, but when I looked it up, there it was!

This was during the pandemic. There had been so guests in singing or playing instruments. No one I spoke with had ever heard the song.

But, Lizzie was singing it. Not completely accurately, but the song is from the 30s!

When we were little, Lizzie introduced us to The Sound Of Music. We had the record of the movie and listened to it often. When I visit Lizzie we often sing several songs from the musical, including Raindrops On Roses.

When I first started singing this song with her, Lizzie would wave her hand like a conductor. She knew the beat and the rhythm, but the words escaped her. Now, she's able to sing along with the first verse and the chorus.

Repetition has helped her regain the joy of that song.

How about you? Has any song brought you good memories with your Loved One?

Smiles From The Dementia Files: Episode 3

Our Loved One Lizzie is an amazing lady. She is full of fun and mischief. She's always been quick-witted and more than willing to share her opinion on everything!

In our experience with dementia, we've found that laughter is important. It's a key to coping for all of us, including Lizzie. She enjoys being able to shock and surprise those around her with her quick mind and tongue. Having dementia hasn't taken that from her yet, and we hope it never does.


Episode 3
Circa 3 years after diagnosis

In case you need a smile... 

Lizzie: You always loved when we went camping

Me: I did. Tell me about it

Lizzie: We made sure to keep you safe

Me: I'm glad you did

Lizzie: We had a camper when you were little

Me: Did I like the camper?

Lizzie: Oh yes. We had a special spot to keep you safe

Me: Where was it?

Lizzie: We put you in a laundry basket

Me: A laundry basket?

Lizzie: Of course. We wanted to keep you safe. Then we put the laundry basket on the top shelf

Me: You put the laundry basket with me in it on the top shelf of the camper?

Lizzie: Only when we were driving

Me: Well, thank you for keeping me safe!

(Photo by Kevin Schmid on Unsplash)

Things to know:

• We NEVER owned a camper
• We NEVER went camping as a family
• That probably wouldn't have been safe! 🤣🤣🤣

How about you? Any ridiculous stories to share? Anyone else get stuffed in laundry baskets?

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

With pandemic restrictions easing, we've moved into a new stage for our visits with Lizzie in the nursing home.

My sister and I are now fully vaccinated. Lizzie has been fully vaccinated for a few months.

Because of that, we are now allowed to visit her without our face shields. We still wear our masks, but the clear plastic shields that cover our faces are no longer required. Yay!

When I arrived at the nursing home, Lizzie was sitting at her table in the dining room. I waved when I walked in as I always do. I walked toward her smiling.

Before I could say my usual greeting (Hi Mom. It's Jemi! I'm here for a visit), Lizzie smiled back and said, "My baby."

This is the first time she's recognized me in months.

I did a happy dance and made her laugh.

About 30 minutes into the visit, Lizzie turned to me and said, "What's your name?"

"I'm Jemi."

Big smile. "I have a daughter named Jemi."

"That's so nice."

Then she turned back to her meal and took another bite. Sure, I could have said I was her daughter, but that seemed a little mean. She was happy and content and I didn't want her to lose that.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

So, you win some, you lose some!

Even if it was just for a few moments, Lizzie recognized me without prompting.

Day = Made!

How about you? Any easing of restrictions? Any reactions to wearing fewer pieces of PPE?

Smiles From The Dementia Files: Episode 2

Our Loved One Lizzie is an amazing lady. She is full of fun and mischief. She's always been quick-witted and more than willing to share her opinion on everything!

In our experience with dementia, we've found that laughter is important. It's a key to coping for all of us, including Lizzie. She enjoys being able to shock and surprise those around her with her quick mind and tongue. Having dementia hasn't taken that from her yet, and we hope it never does.

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

Episode 2 - Memories
Circa 2 years after diagnosis

According to Lizzie ... 

Lizzie was in charge of escorting the little kids to air-raid shelters during WWII because she was organized, strong, and smart. Lizzie ensured that the children had partners and walked in pairs in an organized fashion from their classrooms to the shelters. She checked that each child carried his/her gas mask. If anyone became stressed it was Lizzie's job to calm them down and make them feel better. Once they arrived at the shelter, Lizzie counted to make sure no one was missing. To help everyone relax, Lizzie led them in songs and story-telling.

Lizzie was born and grew up in Scotland in a city that was a frequent target of bombing. The trauma of living through that kind of experience has life-long impacts.

Lizzie was also 6 when WWII ended, so she might be a bit optimistic about her role in these events.

Of course, we congratulate her on being a responsible helper and encourage her to share more of her stories with us.

Memories (whether they're historically accurate or not!) are a great way to encourage conversation and connections.

How about you? Any recent smiles?